Am I ...c o n f u s e d?

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is what they say the smog, the bubble, the haze in our lives that hinder us to make that one small step. All we need to do is to wipe it all away and our view will become clearer.

I didn't know that something's blocking my vision. "Love is blind", yes totally! I didn't know why I'm doing it to myself. There's a still small voice telling me "you deserve better than this."

Wake up!!





A relationship that is on and off will make anyone insane. I've been there, a thousand times. 3 years and counting.. wait it's 2017 already. Make it 4 years. Girl??!! Do you really love yourself?  O_o

I knew at the first year of the relationship that it is going nowhere. I kept holding on because of the "fairytale idea" that everything will go well "and they live happily ever after". I can' let go of those happy memories. My friends keep telling me that those memories were only recalled by me, not by him. If I'm thinking that everything was sweet and the world was full of happiness when I'm with him, I was totally wrong.

I avoided my friends because they kept telling me to break up with him. They witnessed his jealousy, how we crossed the line by invading my privacy - opening my emails, decoding passwords on my social accounts just to prove what he is thinking about me is right. My friends didn't like him for calling me "bitch". They said "what kind of guy are you dating, is he really in love with you or he is there to show the worst in you?"

I shrugged it off. Still holding to the memories that we've shared. But sometimes, that still small voice reminds me "you don't deserve this." How many times did he walk out the door not even saying sorry? And still I keep on accepting him whenever he comes back. The small voice disappeared and the last thing I heard was "he comes and go whenever he wants because you let him."

3 years and counting, out of those scenarios only 2 out of 10 I become conscious. Thanks to that still small voice reminding me how worthy I am.

I've also read a book by Amari Soul "Reflections of a Man" and he describes exactly the wrong man. It didn't hit me harder. There's a pain in my chest, I know how to stop it but I never do something about it. I'm afraid to lose those wonderful memories.

2017.. I'm drowning. Can somebody please help me? Have you ever been stuck in a mud or a pot hole? The feeling of you wanted to get out but helpless in the situation? Maybe God has been sending me messages through friends, through my surroundings and life scenarios but I ignored them.

Dating supposed to make you feel loved, twice happy and comfortable. What have you done to yourself? What kind of guy are you dating if it's everyday walking on eggshells. He's happy and the next minute he's angry and I always have to guess what is it. 4 years is enough to keep stretching myself just to keep this relationship. Worst signal that your relationship is going nowhere - you don't talk anymore. We can't talk like normal couples because we always end up fighting. It's either we are on our phones, browsing or watching movies online. At night, I cried myself to sleep because I'm so lonely. It's better to be alone than be in a relationship that makes me feel disrespected, sad, and unworthy.

Before the year ends, I am overwhelmed with my new feelings. I am thankful that I found Michelle Chelfant on Spotify. She's indeed a true blessing. The confused side of me is not confused at all. My Adult self wiped the mist blocking on Adolescent vision. I know what to do, I just have to do it. What's holding me? The fear of no one will be there to help me in times of need. I am not afraid to be alone. I'm okay to deal with emptiness and loneliness since I've been living alone for 8 years. But the thought of "what if I get sick, what if.. what if.. there's no one who will know, whom I can rely on,  no one I will call for help."

I should let my Adult chair speak for myself. That she will be strong like those past few years, she only relies to herself and she's fine with it. She's always a survivor. She has to let go and take care of herself more than anything. It's time to heal yourself in 2018. A real, happy memories is awaiting for you...