Acknowledging F E E L I N G S

It's all about F E E L I N G S

First year: I feel like I'm always the one behind the wheel.

Have you dated a guy who can't decide on simple matters like "what to order, which one do you like best?" The one who is always irritated with the surroundings around him.

A happy me dated a guy who is angry with the world. I see life as colourful, bright, full of sunshine while in his world, it's all about rainy days and thunderstorms.

His childish self, from insecurities, jealousy, I experienced it all. I'm in a roller coaster ride. High and Lows.

Again I questioned myself, it shouldn't be like this on the first year of the relationship right? I hoped for a happy get to know each other dating, a normal thing that couples do.



Second year: I was so messed up. I can't find myself. Confused and carrying 5 pounds of weight on my shoulders.

Third year: My stubborn self, the adolescent in me reminds me that it's okay to endure, things will get better.

Fourth year: I completely lost the child in me. The adolescent me takes charge of my emotions. "I don't do feelings."


Fast forward to present:

Always at the end of the year, I'm writing on my diary "this will be the last time, I had enough, I will love myself, I will make it better this year."

Why I keep on coming back? Codependency. I'm living alone for 12 years, I'm used to it. Now I've acknowledged that I'm afraid to feel "lonely" - emotionally empty. My mind keeps on telling me that I am strong and I don't need anyone but deep inside I'm lonely. I just don't want to accept that fact. That's why up to now I can't let go of my old self. I thought I tried but I never  did.

The idea of drowning scares me  because I don't know how to swim but I like going into the water.
I just have to learn how to swim, which I never tried.